I feel a bit lost.

I feel a bit lost.

And I realized it because, every day, around 9:00 PM, I write some notes on Day One, the app I use to keep my personal diary.

I realized it because I no longer feel the drive I had before. I don’t know how to explain. Yet I am fine. I have a beautiful and interesting job, a wife and a family who love me, and friends with whom I manage to spend time more or less (maybe not as much as I would like).

But I feel a bit lost. Disoriented is the most correct word.

And every time I think about this, every time I generally think about how I am, I think about how I arrived at the exact moment I am thinking. And in the last 3 months the answer I can give myself is always the same: “You changed your life”. And it’s like this: within three months, in order:

• I left the job I had been at for 4 years;
• I got my bachelor’s degree in Computer Engineering;
• I moved;
• I got married.

There are foundations, in life, that make us what we are: they are family, friends, love and work. These pillars are very important because they give us a sense of direction, help us navigate life and know what to do, for better or for worse, when we find ourselves in difficulty or when something beautiful happens to us.

Here, in the last 3 months I have seen my friends very little, for many reasons: pandemic, study, work, many commitments. And so they couldn’t be my pillar in that moment, but only recently.

The family has expanded, because I got married, and so there is a new family and an extended family. It had been like this for some time, but when you get married this model solidifies, and it is more marked.

Love has changed, because with marriage nothing changes, except that there is the certainty of the perpetual bond, and this makes one feel good.

Work has changed, and it is making me evolve in new ways. And yes, I was ready, but it is equally difficult and demanding.

When everything changes, it takes a little time to let everything settle into a new framework of normality. And the transition period is really annoying, I must say. Although I am striving to create new routines, habits, I cannot think of compressing the experience of years and years of life with the same pillars, and applying it to a life with different pillars, others evolved, others totally new.

And then there is also the pandemic, which does not help. Here, paradoxically the pandemic does not help, OK, but it has also helped a lot. It was a very powerful catalyst that gave a wake-up call to the entire population, and I saw the effects on me: probably, if there had been no pandemic, nothing would have changed. And instead everything has changed, and I am happy about it.

Even if I have to overcome a long transition, towards a life that today I still cannot fully understand, and live accordingly.