Postponed.

This morning I took what was supposed to be my last university exam.

I didn’t pass it. Now I will have to wait for February to be able to retake it and, since it is not a session for graduating students in February, the professors could be stricter. The exam is written and oral. I didn’t do very well in either, but in the oral I did decidedly worse.

I panicked, not saying things I studied or others I knew but hadn’t learned well. So it makes sense that I didn’t pass it. But it was supposed to be the last exam, so I had already applied for graduation, I had prepared myself psychologically to say goodbye to books in 2020, ready for a new year in 2021, in every sense.

But no. In English they say “life punches you in the face”. It knocks you down. And I must say that after more than a month of study together with work, a week in which I paused all jobs and a lot of time spent on books, I didn’t expect it. I thought I was better.

Now I realize that I had a wrong perception of myself, which was not aligned with reality. This thing happens very often to people who, like me, are extremely optimistic. In many cases, this optimism makes us do unthinkable things, maintain a balance between a thousand commitments and projects, but sometimes it makes us vulnerable. And when we are vulnerable and hit, we get hurt. Very badly.

Before writing these lines I looked at the ceiling for a few minutes, at home alone. I didn’t scream, I didn’t slam things against the wall or on the ground. But I didn’t know who to take it out on. Simply because I can’t take it out on myself anymore. Yes, I paused my studies to be able to work, and so now I pay the consequences, but I believe I have also shown that I want to remedy. Yet it is not enough.

It is not enough because what we want does not make reality as we want it. It does not model it to our liking. Indeed, very likely it models it in such a way as to create friction with what we imagine. Because this reality is a resultant of the realities that others imagine, and these can be sharp, bulky and maybe don’t let us pass. They don’t let us breathe, they suffocate us. And so yes, we must suffocate. We must feel breathless, without air for a while. I knew that if you train to ‘suffocate yourself’, that is, to keep your lungs without air, then your lungs work better. They breathe deeper. So probably life is this: getting used to running out of breath for a while, for a series of times, and getting bigger and bigger lungs.

It will seem that the lungs are always big enough to breathe well, and it is precisely in that moment that the air is taken away. It is a test of strength.

I took 4 exams this year, and I had set myself the goal of taking 5 and, therefore, graduating. Evidently, I did not reach this goal, but I came very close. Thinking about it, however, I had set myself other 7 goals, and some I exceeded amply, even above the rosiest expectations, considering the pandemic in the middle that should have messed up the plans. Yes, the most important goal, graduating, I did not reach, and I regret this. A lot.

But it is also true that I have been extremely focused on studying for months now, indeed, almost for the whole year. And I’m tired. I have to recover energy from everything and turn off my brain sometimes. Often, when life punches you, you can only take it and fall to the ground: if you stay standing you will only get hurt even more. To get back up, you have to fall.

Today I will make a resume on all activities, calmly but constantly. I will do what I know how to do best, at my best. And this will make me recover a bit. It will make me think that after all I am not a failure, even if I have failed often. I am not ashamed of it, because I realized that failures made me see clearly huge opportunities later. And so nothing, for now the graduation is postponed. But by now I am very close to the finish line. I am still regretful, a lot, but it will pass.

I do not forget the efforts I made, and I recognize that they took me so far forward. Next year I will not start from scratch, but always with the experience gained in failures - and in goals. See you next time.